Who Am I?

Though I really have no time to do this, something struck me today as I try to figure out how I’m going to survive this summer, and that is that maybe I DO want to start a blog. Perhaps it is for my own sanity, or perhaps it will be so I will have some record of my thoughts and feelings of motherhood during this very trying phase. First, who am I? I was always an overachiever who was pretty good at most things though not really great at anything. I only blame myself for not sticking to any one thing long enough to truly excel in it.

But that is okay – I am quite well-rounded. I have 2 business degrees though I hated corporate America. I left it after being quite successful as a Mary Kay sales director. I loved my Mary Kay business and it was just what I needed to be doing because I soon found myself having to go through fertility treatments when we were unable to get pregnant. Anyone who has been through fertility treatments I’m sure would agree that it is nearly impossible to keep all your appointments and still maintain a regular full-time job, so it was the perfect career for me. Anyway, infertility was a trial that lasted nearly three years. I could write a whole book on the trials of infertility and the ridiculousness (and humiliation) of the treatments but since that chapter in my life is now closed I’ll move on to the trial I’ve had for the last 5 years and that is…..being a full-time mom….to twins…and then more twins! That’s right – 2 sets of twins! Multiple multiples! All girls, all fraternal! I always thought if I had 4 kids that were all the same sex that I would want to try for a 5th, but I was wrong! At 35, I am exhausted and feel no void that I do not have a son. God has blessed me with 4 BEAUTIFUL daughters, and my life is FULL!

That being said, motherhood is nothing like I expected. Then again, I didn’t expect two sets of twins either. I always thought I’d be a great mom – after all, I am perfect! (At least I used to think so.) But when Kaitlyn and Mackenzie arrived, I realized how in over my head I was. The sleep deprivation nearly killed me, and being a first-time mom, I kept expecting that once they started sleeping, the deprivation would be over. Ha! What was I thinking??? I think they were about 4 when they finally quit going through phases in the night. And they still come down now and then…. But then there are those moms, even moms of multiples, who do babywise or some other program and their kids sleep and don’t wake each other, etc. Believe me, I tried but to no avail. Probably some was my fault but I was so overwhelmed I couldn’t keep them on a schedule. I was bleary-eyed and was just trying to keep my head above water. And my mom even came to help every day! Add on top of that a baby with reflux and two very intense emotional girls that would NOT cry it out or learn to put themselves to sleep because they kept making the other cry. It was a vicious cycle and I stupidly kept them in the same room til they 14 months old. Add on top of that my precious Kaitlyn’s digestive issues that had her screaming in the night for hours from about 10-13 months. Poor thing, and yet I was losing it.

But I kept plugging along. Then we solved the nighttime digestive issue AND separated the rooms and life got gloriously better! Mike (my hubby) did not adjust well either. Just not a nurturer, which was so hard for me because my highly emotional girls needed nurturing! And there was only one of me! But, slowly but surely he and I both adjusted to parenthood (me faster than him out of pure necessity), so we tried again. Twins again! I couldn’t believe it really happened, and yet, I wasn’t surprised. Life throws you curves. At least this way we’d surely get a boy!

3 months later – 2 more girls! What?? Really? Needed more adjusting. Would we be reliving the same experience all over again? The funny thing is, I remember saying “of course not – these are 2 more completely different people (and they are),” BUT…the similarities between the first two and the second two are crazy! The first two do not look alike, and the second two do not look alike, but one from each set looks like each other. I always tell people it’s as if the wrong ones were paired up! Womb position – same. Hair/face/body type, etc – same. Reflux – same. High energy child – same. But of course they are not completely the same but I never guessed the similarities would be as strong as they are.

So how did we do the second time around? I made Mike agree to a nanny, a housekeeper, monthly massages, etc. I knew I could not do again what I did before. Maybe some other parent could, but not me. And yet, the second time was so much easier! I had all my ducks in a row, relied on every contraption I could, knew what I would do differently, and let’s face it – I was not only no longer a first-time mom, but I had already done the whole juggling act with twins before. Everything was familiar and I knew what was coming this time. I also knew what my role would be and knew what role Mike would play. Now, it WAS really stressful and exhausting for the first 6-8 months. Adjustment to having so many kids. I felt stretched so thin. Then there was Ashley. Reflux. Ugh. Any mom who’s had a baby with reflux knows what I’m talking about. It’s no easy baby. Add on top of that another baby! But again, I’d done it all before. My first experience gave me strength and wisdom to draw on. Now here we are, Kaitlyn and Mackenzie will be 5 in July, and Ashley and Reagan are nearly 18 months. We are having a tough summer but that is only because it is hard to manage all 4, all day, routines are changing and it is so hot that the only thing to do outside is swim, but none can swim completely on their own (the big girls are learning but I still have to watch them). And anything else I do, I can’t take the babies (I still call them babies) and keep them in the stroller for a long time, yet I can’t let them out and run wild either. But it is only for a few months.

Aside from the summer routine, we are doing really well on the whole. I am solely a stay-at-home mom at this point. I found that doing anything more was too stressful and pulled me in too many directions. I think being a mom of 4 young children is very hard and leaves me little time for anything else. And I am okay with that, for now. This is just a short phase in life. Otherwise, marriage is good. Big girls are at a good age. Babies are changing fast. We are blessed.