I am not a homebody. I love being a stay at home mom, but I really don’t want to just be at home all the time. I love getting out, running errands, socializing, you get my drift. In fact, I feel really cooped up if I don’t get out on any given day. However…I pass on so many things, to the point that I am almost resentful, because at least during the toddler phase, it just takes too much out of me. Now, many twin moms who read this will be able to relate, and many others would probably just tell me to suck it up and do all the fun stuff anyway. I decline playdates, playgroups, and many outings for the kids, because it’s just too exhausting, stressful, or flat-out unsafe. So I am mostly homebound, and it is in part by choice and in part not.
Occasionally, if I plan ahead, I can get geared up for a major outing or playdate with a few friends but most of the time just thinking about it overwhelms me. Examples include most parks (equipment has too many ledges, park is not enclosed, or is too close to the road), libraries, museums, zoo, swimming and spray parks…you get my drift. Pretty tough when they run two different directions. I can barely keep up with them in the lobbies of Kaitlyn and Mackenzie’s dance studio and gym. So I usually reserve those kinds of outings when either my mom or husband can go. Seems smart to me but I feel like we miss out on a lot that other people are doing. I tell myself it won’t always be this way. And it won’t. We are already past that stage with the big girls, so it’s just a while longer. But I feel like my kids often pay the price that they don’t get to do as much as they could, or I pay the price by not getting to know other moms who do more than me. This is not the motherhood I envisioned, but this is my reality. I have to do what works best for me.
Occasionally, if I plan ahead, I can get geared up for a major outing or playdate with a few friends but most of the time just thinking about it overwhelms me. Examples include most parks (equipment has too many ledges, park is not enclosed, or is too close to the road), libraries, museums, zoo, swimming and spray parks…you get my drift. Pretty tough when they run two different directions. I can barely keep up with them in the lobbies of Kaitlyn and Mackenzie’s dance studio and gym. So I usually reserve those kinds of outings when either my mom or husband can go. Seems smart to me but I feel like we miss out on a lot that other people are doing. I tell myself it won’t always be this way. And it won’t. We are already past that stage with the big girls, so it’s just a while longer. But I feel like my kids often pay the price that they don’t get to do as much as they could, or I pay the price by not getting to know other moms who do more than me. This is not the motherhood I envisioned, but this is my reality. I have to do what works best for me.
The other types of outings that I decline are just about anything fun or enjoyable for myself. You know, things that DON’T involve my kids. Don’t get me wrong, I love doing stuff with my kids! And, my mom lives close by and helps me with so many things (doing fun things with my older girls, going with me to have portraits made, keeping some kids while myself or one of the other kids goes to the doctor, etc.) that it adds up really fast. Unfortunately, that doesn’t leave much left for the fun stuff, given that my mom has a life too. I don’t go out with my girlfriends for dinner or even lunch, EVER (until tomorrow!!), so forget a girls weekend getaway. I’m always baffled at all these moms with young children who do that. Who keeps their kids? Do I just not have the same kind of support or is it because I have so many so young? I don’t know but I do get resentful.
And Enrichment night, our church’s women’s activities. How are all these moms with young kids there every month? Do their husbands really take all their kids and put them to bed? I don’t mean to sound like I’m whining, but I am. Sorry. I miss having a life beyond my kids. Can’t I have both like so many other moms I know? And I’m sure many of them also find it hard to get away, but for me, it hasn’t even been an option for years now. A friend told me once that her sister who had 4 kids gave her advice with her second child, that once you accept the fact that you have no life, then it doesn’t bother you anymore. That is pretty much true.
It took me a long time to accept it, but once I did I was really okay. And knowing that it wouldn’t be forever has always helped.
And Enrichment night, our church’s women’s activities. How are all these moms with young kids there every month? Do their husbands really take all their kids and put them to bed? I don’t mean to sound like I’m whining, but I am. Sorry. I miss having a life beyond my kids. Can’t I have both like so many other moms I know? And I’m sure many of them also find it hard to get away, but for me, it hasn’t even been an option for years now. A friend told me once that her sister who had 4 kids gave her advice with her second child, that once you accept the fact that you have no life, then it doesn’t bother you anymore. That is pretty much true.
It took me a long time to accept it, but once I did I was really okay. And knowing that it wouldn’t be forever has always helped.
But the good news is the tides may finally be turning (which I guess is why this is even on my mind to begin with). Last night, my husband actually got home early enough and agreed to take over so I could go to our Enrichment night. And he’s agreed to step up so I can go to a girls’ night out next month. I'm even meeting a friend for dinner tomorrow. I still don’t think our Aggie football game is going to happen next month. One of the problems is that I have very high standards for babysitters, given the young age of all of our kids, so that rules out a lot of options, except expensive ones or the grandparents. And a year ago I had to have an adult, or two. Period. At least now my babies can go to bed and we can get a sitter to really just keep the older two – so we are slowly gaining some independence. It feels so good! The girls’ weekend is still going to have to wait. And I’m not faulting my husband for that. I don’t expect him to be able to handle this load for 2 days on his own. But I just feel like I’m long overdue. I DID join a gym this fall, so that is at least something. It may not be my something of choice, but it is something that is at least possible at this stage. I can take the little ones to the child care and go do something for myself for an hour (even if it isn’t fun). And we have ALWAYS had a date night at least once a month, thanks to my parents and his parents. That has been a life-saver for me and my marriage. But some personal time or time out with a girlfriend now and then would be nice. We’re on the cusp. But it’s been a long time.
Here is a picture of me on a cruise we took in 2006. That is the last vacation Mike and I took alone (not including a ski trip with his company last year that I don't think counts). I tried to find a picture of me and some friends but I don't have any from the last 4 years. Seriously.
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