They're All Big Girls Now

 

Well the week has finally come after all these years. My LITTLE twins have started kindergarten.  While I’m always the mom cheering when school starts, I figured this year would be bittersweet. But then last May when they graduated preschool, I got all my boo-hooing out of the way. The flood gates opened as we said goodbye and ended our five years at our precious little school. (Leave it to a sweet song sung by children to get me to cry when nothing else will.)

So as the first day of school was approaching, I started to feel at ease and good about the whole thing. Let me add that I wasn’t actually worried, but rather I was just wondering if it would unexpectedly get to me since these were my babies. But then I started to realize I was not going to get all sad because I had already gotten that out of my system. I found myself greatly looking forward to school starting for all of them.

The first day of school came and went without a hitch. The girls came home and were excited and eager to go back the next day. But then that night Ashley was getting ganged up on by her sisters and while she normally gets defensive and screams and yells at everybody, this time she turned to me and then out of nowhere begged me to come eat lunch with her the next day and threw herself into my arms. Who could say no? So the next day came and I went to have lunch with the kindergarten.

This is where things changed. I watched them go through the lunch line for the first time. It took several times of putting their number in the keypad to get it right, but they did it. Ashley had trouble with her tray and tried to give it to me, but instead of carrying it for her, I knew I had to teach her how to hold it securely herself. So I did. (It was spaghetti – not something I wanted collapsing all over her new school clothes, but I had to trust her and she had to trust herself.)

When they had to put up the tray it was confusing to me what they wanted the kids to do with the trash, with the food, etc. I misheard them and told the kids near me the wrong thing. When we took the tray up to put away, there was this mean, grouchy teacher griping at all these precious 5-yr-old brand new kindergarteners about how they did it wrong (which even I didn’t understand it) and how there was a line to put the trays away. I understand they need to be told but I do not like this lady. She has barked at me in carpool, never smiles, once locked the cafeteria doors right in my face as school was starting and she told me through the glass to go around to the front office and sign my kids in. Apparently she is an aid, not a teacher. Still, what is a woman like this doing working with children and why did my kids’ school hire her? Ugh. Stern, fine. Rude and mean to brand new, insecure little kids, not fine. So it made me sad to see her barking at the kids with me standing three feet away from her no less. So my “babies” would now be occasionally exposed to grouchy teachers. Sigh.

Then they lined up by class waiting for all the kids to finish. Ashley was at the back of her line and suddenly gripped my leg and told me to stay. Uh oh. This was not unusual at preschool for her or any other children, and it was okay. And I always managed to get away without her going into a full on meltdown or anything, but still I had thought she was long over that. But she wouldn’t let go. We talked about being a big girl. I told her I couldn’t come to lunch anymore if she couldn’t go back to class like a big girl. Then I saw my normally somewhat defiant and often difficult Ashley, wipe tears from her eyes. She told me now she was crying and also embarrassed on top of everything else. I was actually a bit surprised, but glad, to see her try to control herself. My heart ached for her. I eventually pried her off of me without making a scene and made my way over to the tables to wait for them to leave. I couldn’t look at her because I knew it would make her cry more.

Then I caught Reagan’s eye, who had ran off to put up her tray and gotten in line and then realized she hadn’t said goodbye. She begins to give me a pout. She reaches her arms out for a hug but I knew I couldn’t go into the middle of the lines of students to give her one. We blew each other kisses but I knew that didn’t suffice.

And that was that. And then they were gone. And now I was a bit sad too - sad but at the same time glad that they were going to have to grow up a bit. I realized the transition they were really undergoing. Having gone through it before with my older daughters, I know how much growing up and maturing occurs that first year in kindergarten. It truly is a good thing, but it is hard from a mother’s perspective to see them cope with being out of their comfort zone and face new challenges. But I’m proud too to watch them do it. It is right and normal and part of life. I think they handled it well.

So time marches on. Yesterday Ashley made a sandwich after school and I offered to help as she doesn’t do it often and it looked to me like a big, sticky mess. She told me “No thanks. I do everything myself now. I’m a big girl and I go to the big school.”

And while the day to day time I am having to do a myriad of things is wonderful, by the third day in a row I am starting now to feel that it also seems a bit strange. Not bad, actually good in many ways, but just strange. So I am entering my new phase of life. The one I always pictured when I pictured motherhood. But it IS bittersweet.