Okay I just could not pick whether sharing was an advantage or challenge. My ultimate conclusion is this: Sharing is great for kids to learn, and the earlier the age, probably the better. So ultimately it probably IS an advantage in the bigger picture. But when you’re the mom, oh my, is it a challenge!
When you have multiples, sharing begins probably around 8 months. Some kids will do this more willingly than others. But at 8 months into the parenting game you are already breaking up fights. Something other parents do not have to do until the second child is around 1. Plus parents normally TRY to reason with the older child. But there is no reasoning with an 8-month-old. Infants and 1-year-olds learning to share with each other usually goes something like this:
Both see a toy they like. Let’s say it’s a wooden block. Actually one child (let’s say Twin A) is happily playing with it when the other (Twin B) sees her. Forget that there are 50 other wooden blocks right in front of her feet. She has to go over and swipe the one out of her sister’s hands. Several outcomes follow: Twin B goes off running while Twin A runs after her, screaming horrible screams that sound like someone has cut off her leg. Twin B is crafty and runs circles around the table and Twin A can never catch her. Mom has to come in and explain to Twin B, who is 1-yr-old and doesn’t care, why that’s not nice. Twin B is not listening and writhing as Mom restrains her to explain this. Twin B will then do it again 2 minutes later.
Second outcome: Twin A suddenly gets a death grip on the block and there is a tug-of-war going on, also accompanied by two children screaming like their legs have been cut off. This is resolved sometimes by Mom getting there on time and handing it back to Twin A (if she is aware Twin A had it first). However, many times it ends in one child biting the other or hitting the other on the head with the wooden block (or whatever other toy the toy makers have deemed fit for a 1-yr-old that can easily be used as a weapon – like drumsticks and plastic mallets). One gets in trouble, one is hurt, both are crying.
(Here is Ashley ready to take off with the wagon - see how threatened she is!)
The problem I have found is this: They are so little they have no idea they hurt the other, and the one that gets hurt has no idea it’s coming. They just sit there and let the other one sink their teeth into them. If you have a biter this gets out of control very fast with twins. In each set I have had a consistent biter and a bitee. At one time Ashley had about 9 bite marks on her back from only about 2 days, and she often had about 5 going at one time over the course of a year. Same was true in my older set. In fact, it lasted probably 2 years with the big girls. All of this of course stems from sharing.
(Mackenzie & Kaitlyn about 14 months old involved in a shoving match - It looks like Kaitlyn is reacting to just having gotten a bite on the arm!)
(There just ain't enough room in this basket for the two of us!)
(Kaitlyn going after Mackenzie - it looks like she's about to yank her down by the head! Quick - somebody call facemask!)
My latest example (which thankfully didn’t end in violence!) was Sunday at church. Of course. I feel like we are those kids in that book The Best Christmas Pageant Ever that all the other people look at. Only because we definitely make a scene. And trust me, I sat in the foyer for the last year and a half with the service piped in on speakers so I’m not one of those people who just thinks it’s okay to let my kids go crazy in church. I’m just the opposite and unfortunately there is no nursery during the service. So it is what it is. Anyway, we have been trying to go sit inside the chapel since they turned 2. We sit in the back and some days are better than others. This week was not so good. At least the big girls behaved! My fear is this – If both of the little girls act up, Mike and I BOTH have to take them into the foyer. Then what am I supposed to do with the big girls? Last week we left them in there with their coloring books and THANKFULLY they just sat quietly and colored. But if THEY get into a match over something (like sharing), they could burst out into a screaming match right during the service without any consideration for those around them.
So what forced us both out in the hall last week? Sharing! Sharing Mommy! They BOTH want to sit in my lap, all by themselves. (I have a LOT to say on this matter that I will save for another time.) Reagan was happily sitting on my lap when Ashley decided she wanted on. So I let her on. Reagan starts shoving her, yelling “Share! Share!” Then Ashley starts shoving back “Share! Share!” It was during a transition during the service and it was quiet for just the few seconds they were yelling and everybody looked at us. The shoving and yelling was escalating and despite my usual embarrassment it was just so funny. The people there all know me and we are normally not disruptive (or if we are we nip it in the bud or get out of there fast) so I didn’t feel I was being judged and I just had to chuckle. What more can I do! I quickly carried both two year olds out of there yelling, but it is kind of funny. Most people around me were smiling too. At least that’s how I remember it!
The funny thing is right now they are really into telling the other one to share, but neither thinks it applies to them! This is almost daily but it’s not too problematic right now.
But it does get better....
(See! We play nicely sometimes!)
(We especially can play nicely when we're getting into things like puzzles that we shouldn't have.)
As for the advantage, for sure – my older girls are great at sharing! They still fight about some stuff but mostly they don’t have a problem with it. And when mine were 2 and 3 and we would go to playdates or school or whatever, other kids had problems sharing and had a very hard time understanding that they needed to do that, whereas IF mine had a problem it was usually resolved very quickly. Plus they definitely won’t grow up being spoiled! A HUGE plus in my opinion and a character trait they can use all their life!
(Like my new signature? I've noticed on so many blogs I read I don't even know the name of who I'm reading - just their blog title! So I've added this on....)
My daughters have become better at sharing since they were younger and of course they are way past the age where they bite or get bitten, but there are still occasions where they will come complain to me that the other twin "Does not want to share".
ReplyDeleteLike your signature!
I completly understand the church drama with twins! I have twin 3.5 yr. old boys, who often find something to be disruptive in church. Recently I asked them to be quiet as they were getting a bit noisy with their coloring, and one of their proud responses was "NO YOU BE QUIET!" Which of course didn't go over well, and it was followed by a "LEAVE ME ALONE!"
ReplyDeleteFortunately it was all made up for at song time! The same twin with the loud responses loves to sing too, whether he knows the words and/or tune or not! He'll continue singing his made up song, while everyone else has paused or stopped. Everyone in the nearby pews is smiling at his enthusiasm when this happens!
Best wishes to your family!
On the upside...if there is anywhere you have to leave your children sitting to tend to the other ones, there usually is no better place than at church, because at some point someone will get up and go sit with them if something occurred to disrupt the older ones getting along.
ReplyDeleteI don't think I've mentioned this before but you are an amazing mom. =-)