Forever I would look at other moms and say, well, but I have twins. That's why it's different. But as my second set was born, I can't tell you how many other moms of even twins I see that seem like they have it so much more together than me. It bothers me SO MUCH!! I DO think some moms are putting on a face just for show but many I think are honestly doing better. Or more. Or something like that. Even in my twin club, there are all these moms that haul their kids all over everywhere. They travel. They go on outings. They can take 4 kids including little twins to places without help and they do it all the time. They invite me and my heart sinks because I will mostly not be able to handle it. What is it? Do they just go with the flow of things better than me? I used to think I was easy-going until I had kids. I am NOT an easy-going parent. And I definitely think having twins has made me worse than I would have originally been.
Some parents are just not AS concerned about safety and things. Their attitude is "Kids will be kids" and "they'll be alright." Well, I'm just not that way. I am not going to let my kids get out of control and I am not going to risk their safety by taking two toddlers with no sense or self-control to places where they need one on one supervision unless I have another adult to help me. Yet I go to the park and I see very young kids climbing jungle gyms with their moms sitting on a park bench talking to someone else. And I'm over there fearing their kids are going to fall out of one of the openings, and are their parents crazy? That's just one example. And the bigger the outing, the more reluctant I would be to go.
Then let's talk about the church moms. All these moms at church have kid after kid after kid, albeit most are not twins, still they have their hands pretty darn full in my opinion. And yet, they have these huge church callings and responsibilities and they do all of them with kids in tow. I don't think I even have it in me. But they just rock along. I know it's hard on them too but they're doing it and I am not. This weekend instead of going to church our church broadcasted General Conference out of Salt Lake on TV. Yes you can go to the church to watch but that would have been impossible with our 2-yr-olds, so we stayed home. Yet we still barely heard a thing because they are just so taxing and consuming of our attention. But am I the only one? How do you stay spiritually strong and connected when you're wrestling with kids the whole time at church (okay they are in the nursery now so it's better than it used to be), and my big girls don't go to bed until 9pm every night because they just don't need as much sleep as most children, and by the time I am done with them I am so brain-dead I can't even have a conversation with my husband, much less try to read something, like scriptures or anything else for that matter. I'm in a vegetative state at that point and all I can do is stare at the TV before I go to bed. And 3 of my 4 kids are very INTENSE.
So is it me, is it my kids, or what? I don't know. I at least know that with my little girls now 2 years old, the physical labor of being a mom is going to decrease significantly starting in about a year along with the whole twin-I-can't-go-anywhere-do-anything-without-help problem. In fact I've noticed in the last month how much better they are getting and freedom is slowly opening up. So I know it's all temporary but I can't help but to see so many other moms whose hands are also really full and wonder how they are capable of doing so much more than me. And do people think I'm just one big negative complainer? I don't mean to be. But I'm not going to pretend things are easy and then bite off more than I can chew. I have to stay sane.
So just venting a bit this morning. Hopefully once the little girls are around 3 years old I can function more normally instead of like I am doing now. I want to do so much more for my kids in terms of relationship building and spiritual development but right now I haven't figured out how to squeeze it in very well. But I'll just keep on trying....
Oh, and I do realize that I shouldn't compare myself to anyone else but I can't help it. I think about this every time I see someone doing something that I think I should be doing that I'm not. (Wow - that was a wordy sentence. Sorry.) So that's that. Hopefully these thoughts will at some point go away.
Okay, for one - I don't have it all together. This weekend, yes, but not all the time.
ReplyDeleteWe enjoyed conference because I still have babies - who sleep - two naps a day. The older girls had their moments, but candy kept them occupied. And right now I just have 1 intense child, not 3.
I do the comparing thing too. My husband hates it. It takes all I have to cut those thoughts out of my mind and just do the best that I can do. Not the best that they could do but me.
Yeah, Kimberly, I think most of us mom's feel like we DON'T have it all put together, even contrary to what it may look like! I only have 1 toddler, and I still struggle trying to get everything done in a 24 hour period. I get frustrated with Kate all the time that she doesn't listen to me when we're out in public (unless Dave is around, then she's an angel)!!!! I feel bad looking at all of my friends blogs this morning after Easter weekend seeing all of their great pictures of their little ones and to read all about how they had "teaching" moments on what the "real" meaning of Easter is!!!! We NEVER did that! Oops! And NO family Easter picture! Oops!!! And NO pictures of her opening up her eater basket! Oops!!! See, we ALL struggle with being too hard on ourselves! Now, I understand that yours is only magnified 4 times, but it still is all the same! So don't beat yourself up too much! And I will try to do the same!!! lol
ReplyDeleteAwwww, Kimberly, you know how much I can relate to this post! You and I have very similar personalities!
ReplyDeleteI'll tell you this...most moms feel like they don't have it together. We all feel like there's someone else out there doing it better than we are. That's why I can't watch the Duggar show anymore...I'm like, "Does she NEVER raise her voice at those kids?". She makes it look easy and calm.
I was a huge type-a, overachiever, perfectionist type of parent with my 1st set of twins. I'd avoid playdates at the park because I was afraid to take my eyes off of them for even a minute with all the large climbing structures there and the fact that the one park they always wanted to meet at wasn't fenced in.
But then when the 2nd set of twins arrived, and after having suffered through PPD, I had to make myself get out of the house with them and begin to socialize with friends on playdates again. Not that I was less cautious but I realized that if the little twins ate sand at the park, they weren't gonna die. And if they wanted to climb on the structure, I'd have to excuse myself to go climb it with them.
I don't know, somehow I felt a little more confident in my parenting skills with the 2nd set.
If you think about it, the whole twins things does make sense. I don't think it's just an excuse. For moms with singletons, they have ONE child to focus on for that first year or so until they have their 2nd child. If you could put 100% of your attention and focus on just one child, imagine how much easier it would be to make sure your child was by your side at all times or to engage in a conversation while your ONE child played maybe 10 feet away from you at the park.
But with two kids the same age running in two separate directions?? And then 4 kids?? We're not talking about a 5 year old, a 4 year old, a 2 year old and then a baby...like some moms with 4 kids. We have TWO kids who are 5 yrs old and TWO kids who are 3 years old.
If it makes you feel any better, I don't think anyone's sitting in judgement of you. They probably see you with your girls and think how well you have it together and wish they were as organized and cautious as you are. I'm always amazed when friends tell me they're impressed with how well I handle the kids when we're out places yet I feel like I'm crumbling apart all the time.
We're all doing the best we can, given our situations. I don't think you're being negative at all...we all tend to scrutinize ourselves on our parenting skills. But I also believe we're doing better than we think we are.
Oh and I just read Tara's comment and I was the same way as I was reading various blogs...seething with envy reading about their perfect egg hunts and teaching of Jesus and what Easter means. I try, I really do...but somehow I always get interrupted or one kid doesn't want to go along with the plan and ruins it for everyone else. We won't even attempt church just yet with our kids.
ReplyDeleteWe went to storytime at Borders Saturday morning for Easter stories and crafts and the little twins were a total nightmare. Tim had to remove them from the store and give them a time-out in the mini-van. So we missed out on yet another family event that could've been really fun. I just sat there giving the evil eye to all those parents sitting with their children, listening contently to the stories.
Awww - ya'll are making me feel so much better. I know, I think all moms compare themselves. It's silly. Tara we got pictures at least (though Saturday we went to the bluebonnets and would you believe had NO camera!! Mike thought I had it but since HE was packing the camera bag I thought he had it. Hmmm.) But yesterday it was just like that - no teaching moment. Our kids know that's not what Easter is about. We reminded them several times yesterday, but not one real teaching moment except my step-dad tried at my mom's house last night and the big girls were horrible and we had to remove one of them from the room.
ReplyDeleteHelene, your last comment made me laugh (at your expense I know) but only because I can so relate. I know so many people that take their kids to the library for story time. I waited a long time with the big girls and then started going (not for story time - they would have never sat still for that - just to play in the kid section) but every time we went I thought we were going to get kicked out of there. I've not yet been with the little ones and have no desire to.
As for confidence...you know, it's funny. I too have way more confidence the second time around, but I guess it's just not in the area of outings! :) In fact I'd say that part has gotten worse just because there are more children. But as far as other things...I used to let all my family members really get to me about all their opinions about what I should and shouldn't be doing (none of whom had ever had twins before either). This time around I hardly cared at all and knew exactly what I was doing and people finally quit telling me. Thankfully I don't have to hear as much unwanted advice as I used to. :)
Ahhh....breathe....gonna go eat lunch. Lazy day after a big full weekend. You guys are all great!
I was so glad to see this post! I often find myself looking at other mom's with their immaculately dressed, well behaved children and wonder what I am doing wrong. Now, few have my situation (4yo boy & 18 mo GGBG quads), but all the same, why do they look so great while I am a wreck?
ReplyDeleteJust recently I got my answer. My sister and I took our kids out to lunch. Two of us, NINE kids 9 and under. Yes, we are crazy. I have to say, though, the kids were great! No idea why, but everyone sat in their seat, ate, and even used indoor voices. Can't explain it, can probably never duplicate it, but they were angels! After we ate, while we were loading up the kids, two different Moms came over to tell us how impressed they were with us and the kids. They couldn't believe how well behaved the kids were. Believe me when I tell you my children (who I love more than life) are not perfectly behaved angels. These ladies just caught us on a good day.
I think about that and try to remember that I don't see other families' daily lives and struggles. I'm sure that they have days where they yell at their kids or days where the kids spend half of it in time out. We just don't see it. It's unfair to compare yourself to them when you don't know their whole story.
From what I see on your blog, I want to be as pulled together as you!
I left a comment earlier, but somehow it did not get published! Anyway I wanted to say that I struggle with the same questions sometimes and might never get a good answer.
ReplyDeleteWhy can some kids sit quietly in church and color all through the service and mine decide after 5 minutes it is much more fun to climbed up and down and under the church bench and ask me a million questions about everything?
Why can some kids be content going down the slides with their feet first but mine decide they are bored and would like to go down head first or jump off six feet high platforms?
Why can my neighbor's kids swing on their swings and jump on their trampoline, but ours decide that it's much more interesting to investigate an ant hill or poison ivy or a nasty looking thorn bush?
To make myself feel better about it all I've decided my kids are curious and will probably continue to question the status quo, so I'm going to love and accept them just the way they are even though they drive me batty!
I totally relate to you. Not only do I not have it all together, I have found that I do not have the same level of patience and compassion the second set of twins. Which is a major guilt trip!
ReplyDeleteI think you are doing amazing. And, I don't know how you hold yourself together until 9 at night. That is a very long day that must be physically and emotionally draining. Our kids have their issues but they are great sleepers. (All in bed between 5:00-6:30 if you can believe it.) Although sometimes I wish I could trade in sleeping for things that other kids seem to do without any problems or drama...
I don't have twins, but I do have 4 kids (17, 14, 4.5 and 2.5) and sometimes I feel like I am not doing the best job either.
ReplyDeleteAs for church. I go on Sundays and I take my 4.5 yr old daughter, I leave the rest at home with Dad. She can sit there and color/play/listen and I can enjoy church. Everyone always asks, where's Brandon? he is the baby and I tell them I like to go to church to listen and I am not going to put him in the nursery, that is just me.
As for outings and the park. I babysit a 5 yr old and a 2 yr old. I took them and my 2 younger ones to the park today. I watched the girls, they are the older ones and I got on the jungle gym with the boys. I feel like you do, I have to keep an eye on them all all the time.
DO what you can, and that is it. You can only do what you can do.
If your kids go to bed late, maybe they can have some quiet time before bed to sit and read books or play quietly in bed so you can have some down time with your husband.
My sister has 2 girls (5 and 2.5) and 2 twin boys (7 months) and she runs her household her way and sometimes the boys have to cry. Her husband works unGodly hours and is hardly ever home, so sometimes she calls me and I hear them cry and I say what's wrong? and she says Oh I am making dinner for the girls (or whatever it is she is doing) and they have to cry...used to drive me nuts, but my sister needs that time on the phone to talk to me for whatever reason she has called, so now I just try to ignore them. It won't hurt for them to cry and they are not crying because they are hurt, they want attention, ya know?!
Feel better! Some days I wonder what I would be doing with no kids and then I get happy I do have them! :)