"A New Level of Uncoolness"
Today I reached a completely new level of uncoolness. Not only do I already drive a minivan loaded down with 4 carseats, but now it is sporting antlers and a red nose! Is that hilarious or what? I am now officially the person I once said I'd never be!
But the thing is it happens gradually. One day you are a hot, young newlywed…little do you know you are just a few very short years away from becoming the woman in the minivan with Rudolph antlers on top.
So, here is my own personal list of the warning signs. If you can relate to 5 or more on this list, seek professional help now before it's too late!
1. You have traded in your SUV for the latest mini-van. After all, nothing beats sliding doors and being able to walk upright in your car.
2. Trips by yourself to the grocery store, the dentist, or to do other mundane tasks have suddenly become appealing.
3. Pushing a ginormous stroller feels natural to you. You no longer know what to do with your arms when you are without it. (I'll never forget that first time out with the stroller. The "Beast" as I call it. The big double tandem stroller. The wheels need WD40 but do I bother? Nah! Even when it was new I felt like all eyes were on me, because they were. They still are but I don't care anymore. I almost feel sorry for whoever ends up with my stroller after it leaves our family because it has taken a severe beating. I'm pretty sure it has something growing on it and the nuts and bolts are going to all fall out any day now. A few already have. Still, it's my American Express card – I never leave home without it, furthering my image as a hot, young babe.
4. You push a jogging stroller, pull a bike trailer, or ride a bike with a baby seat on the back.
5. You don't have a single CD in your car that isn't Disney, Toddler Tunes, Primary church songs, or Kidz Bop. Heck, you're actually doing good if you have KidzBop. You may not have even bought a new CD for yourself in years.
6. You know more songs from cartoons than you do songs played on the radio. (In other words, you know that "The Grumpy Old Troll" is a song from Dora but you can't name a single song by Lady GaGa.)
7. iTunes was downloaded in your household for the first time this week, even though it's been around for years. Or you've never used iTunes at all.
8. You are embarrassed to ask questions to the guy at the Apple store because you don't even know anymore if you have smart questions or if you are so out of touch that you sound like you are 90.
9. The only texting you do is view your monthly billing message or reply to one of your two friends who actually text. You don't even know how to originate your own text message.
10. You don't care anymore that technology is passing you up. After all, everything is working fine. No need to change the system. And who has time to figure it all out? This is why our parents don't know how to work cell phones, VCRs, DVD players and ordering online. I now understand why. Between work and kids, all I want to do is watch a TV show at night, not figure out how to work some other new thing that I can do without.
11. Even though you haven't showered you think with a little makeup and jewelry you might look good enough to go out in public. Surely no one will notice that your hair is a shade darker from all the grease.
12. You think it's okay to wear jeans and tennis shoes. After all, if it works for your 5-yr-olds, why shouldn't it for you?
13. You are fine with going out to eat on a date pretty much anywhere. Every restaurant is awesome.
14. Your friends come into town and want to know the local hot spots. You are not sure if the place you are thinking of even exists anymore and you have to embarrassingly admit that you have no idea. You are pretty sure Chuck E Cheese wasn't what they had in mind.
15. When looking for a bathroom you ask the nearest person where the potty is, or you excuse yourself in front of other adults so you can go potty.
16. You use the words shoot, silly, and dang a lot, and find yourself saying "night, night" to your husband.
17. The majority of clothes in your closet came from Target.
18. You try to color coordinate your clothes with your kids' clothes, or worse yet, you actually have the same outfit as one of your kids.
19. And last but not least, the #1 sign that you have lost all coolness and have become your parents, you find yourself driving around in a minivan with antlers on your roof and a red nose on your grill!
The sad thing is, this is what happens to us when we have kids. It is actually their fault, yet they're going to be the ones 5-10 years from now complaining about how dorky we are and how much we embarrass them, completely oblivious to the fact that they are the ones who made us this way.
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